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journal change... [11 Oct 2003|09:53pm]
Alright peeps. I have ended this journal due to technical difficulties, and switched to another LJ name. It is mywindowedself. So feel free to add me as a friend and I'll add you back! :)
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while i was out... [10 Oct 2003|11:41pm]
[ mood | sad ]

today was - how can i put this - irritating. nothing seemed to be right. i felt out of joint, out of place, out of myself. i feel this nagging sensation in the pit of my stomach that something is just wrong. plain and simple i guess. i don't know if i'm being pessimistic. i tend to do that to myself. i know if i expect the worse, then things inevitably must get better. however, with my luck, things aren't that simple. what i think to be the worst, gets worse. it's as if an inevitable sickness permeates everything around me. and i can't leave it behind me. things from my past are dredged up and i drown in things that i wish i could have long ago forgotten. does this make any sense? probably not. i feel sadness in my soul - in my heart. there are times i wish i could start over - not make the same mistakes or the same choices that i had, but i know in the end, they would probably lead me to the same position. i think every person is in their current situation for a reason. a reason or a revelation about themselves. i need a change - i look outside my self and find that i'm wishing to be somewhere else...and out of my current state of mind.

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a smile through the tears. [10 Oct 2003|12:04am]
Who is your Saved By The Bell hunk?

brought to you by Quizilla

Made me laugh a bit - trying not to be so serious.
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go make a life, not a living... [09 Oct 2003|11:18pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

honestly, i have no clue what is wrong with me. i hate complaining and feeling selfish and spoiled, but... i am really not happy. i don't know what it is. and talking to the friends i've got doesn't help. they are there for me, but not fully there. they don't understand where i'm coming from. i've got so much pent up inside of me that i feel like i'm going to explode if i stay in the same spot for too long. i cried yesterday for the first time in a really really long time. just let go of everything. then i wrote a song. so, go figure. i can't really explain or try to express through words what i mean. it doesn't all make sense even to me. i mean, i feel like i should be in school but i feel like i should be doing things to better myself, the people around me, the world.

i just want to live...without feeling like i'm obligated to.

3 comments|post comment

i give and give and i lay it all down... [09 Oct 2003|10:45am]
[ mood | okay ]

so just sitting here after writing my research paper proposal for florence. didn't go too bad. i didn't talk about all of my supporting arguments, but who the hell cares? i don't. obviously. i care, but oh well, its kind of just to show that you are doing something and actually researching, which i am. i'm one smart cookie...now i'm hungry. :(

now i'm just thinking, as i tend to do way too much. that, and daydreaming about random things. it's really strange typing in a journal, because i tend to delete things that really don't make sense, seeing as other people will be reading it. but, in my handwritten journals, i just let it all go. i don't really hold back from anything there. i guess i feel more secure when i know that only my eyes will be peeking at the pages. not as if i've really got anything to hide, just some thoughts are more private than others if that makes sense.

i'm off to sweep my cobwebbed mind...and dream about living in europe.

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running, running as fast i can.... [08 Oct 2003|09:56pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

well, things are looking up. definitely not quite as stressed as i was earlier. i got studying done for my statistics test tomorrow, and finished up all that homework for it. didn't take quite as long as i thought it would. nowi just have to write my research paper proposal on the golden age of florence, italy. should be interesting enough - its probably one of my favorite periods...that is my internal art historian speaking :)

i've really been thinking that if i totally ace my audition, which is in, holy shit, only like 2 weeks, that if i can, i want to go to new york or london over the summer. that would be the most incredible thing, and possibly intern or just work at a coffee shop or something. anything. i want to really do something with myself and my life. something completely different. i've never been really far away from home before - i know it would definitely be a learning experience. so, i really have to work my ass off and try to save as much money as possible, which means no really extraneous spending...don't know if i can pull it off but we'll see. it would be incredible.

i'm sitting here, in my room. with the headphones on and my roomate is with her boyfriend on her bed, and i think they are totally hardcore making out. which is kind of disrespectful and weird. i don't care if they make out, just don't do it when i'm in the room and you end up making me feel like a third wheel, and uncomfortable. its funny. i see her so incredibly clingy to him, like she is so attached. and i think to myself, damn, i really hope i never get like that over a guy. yeah, i mean, i want to love somebody but i don't think i could ever allow myself to be so dependent on somebody else. i don't know, maybe its having another sibling, or having to learn to fend for myself. she's an only child. maybe she's never felt incredibly independent. i have no idea. its so funny. i used to think about being in love all the time - as if it was the most important aspect of my life. and now, i still think it is important. but the spreading love and acceptance that i hold inside of me, in my soul, is what i want to give to the world. when i find that person, and love happens, it will happen. and i'll be ready for it.

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she works hard for the money... [08 Oct 2003|02:06pm]
[ mood | busy ]

well not really money exactly. but money i pay for, yes. especially with school. right now, school is officially kicking my ass. its not just that i have a hell of a lot of work to do but i also the fact that i have no time to do it. this aim/online addiction is killing me.

1. a research paper proposal to write on florence, italy during the renaiisance
2. a research paper to write on billy's (shakespeare's) sources
3. a huge statistics test to study for
4. a huge amount of statistics homework that piled up while i was sick
5. five film editing chapters to read
6. finish a tale of two cities

it doesn't look quite as bad written out - but it feels like a hell of a lot to do.

i've been thinking of shirts to make for the mraz-fest coming up. i think "smooth operette" will do....

until next time, i'll be busting my ass...

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WOOOOOOO - i'm famous, well my shirt is... [07 Oct 2003|05:48pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

ok, so last night i am talking to the lovely em on rkop, along with papa jon. she signs on to the chatroom, and we're all talking when she suddenly says cate, guess what? i'm all uhhh i have no idea. so then she says he wore your shirt again last night. that's when i freaked out. so, i guess he really likes it. it's not just oh, a one or two time deal like i thought it was. i'm hoping that em and papajon get to talk to the man, and ask him to wear it at the LA, SF, or claremont shows - that would be awesome. it's honestly very cool to give somebody something and have them really like it - its kind of an honor, if that makes sense. i'm just glad i could give him something that he really liked rather than something that he might give away or not use. so its very cool. i'm on top of the world.

now if only i could be touching him rather than the shirt....

10 comments|post comment

got me lookin so crazy right now... [07 Oct 2003|02:00pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

so i am really contemplating doing some sort of open mic thing. i don't know if i'm good enough at all, but hell, its a worth a try. life is for living right? why not take a chance and do something exciting or something to motviate me? i've always said that i want to try new things, encounter new experiences - this would be another to add to the list.

i'm totally digging this new song i wrote. it kind of just spewed out of me - thanks to my good friend liz. she kind of inspired it. we were talking and all of a sudden, i started writing, and couldn't stop. sometime i'll try and post it - if anybody wants to read it.

today was just another day, except for this crazy feeling nagging at the back of my brain. it keeps saying "go out, drive around, experience the world." maybe i wasn't meant to stay in one place for such a long time. i love the dynamic of moving around and just being somewhere else.

class was class as usual. i've got a stats test on thursday and a bunch of reading to do for it. this weekend was definitely a set back - being sick does not further education in any way at all. still trying to memorize stuff for my audition...i need a good monologue, something effective and powerful.

until next time....

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roam around the world... [06 Oct 2003|12:38pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

i have become so incredibly listless. i honestly don't know what it is. i hate staying in the same spot now - i feel as if i should be out in the world, doing things, creating things, more or less, living. i keep having this sinking feeling as if i'm not really living. And i'm young, i should be out doing things. i don't know. being sick and staying at home really leaves your mind to think up strange thoughts.

today hasn't been exciting thus far. i had class this morning. editing. extremely pointless - my teacher is probably THE most boring person. although he has worked on some pretty exciting films. oh well. i'm still changing my major. nothing new there.

i have my audition on october 24th. not sure what monologues i'm going to do yet, but i'll figure it out.

until next time, i'll be wishin i was traveling around the world...

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always smooth, never burnt... [05 Oct 2003|07:14pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

Today was just another day of sickness. I layed around, went with my mom to the store up the street, dropped Skyler off to hang out with my dad, read, tried to memorize some more of my monologue for my theater audition, talked to Kelly (my new SD friend) about recording some music...

I have been thinking about re-working some of my lyrics on one song that I started writing. The chords are pretty good, I like them...really simple, but the lyrics aren't exactly suited to the particular riff. I don't know. I started playing around on the guy down the hall's guitar, I think his name is Adam. It was pretty nice of him to let me borrow it, seeing as my guitar was at home. I trickled around with some ideas. This one song, "ghost" that I wrote is really starting to pick up. I really like it.

Anywho, I saw this really great informercial tonight that totally brightened up my night. It was about a coffee brewing machine, but it was really really cheesy. There was some porno-like symphonic music, and the acting was absolutely horrendous. The guy in the commercial groaned and would comment on the superb coffee: "always smooth, never burnt". But in the type of voice you know belongs in X rated movies, that kind of 1970s fake, plastic voice; trying to be sexual and really not succeeding. It was pretty funny.

I've got some more reading to do, but Trading Spaces 100 GRAND is on tonight! Me and my interior decorating impulses are very very excited. I think it will be a good episode; and Ty is going to be on it, so that stimulates me to watch it even more.

I keep looking at my concert calendar. Only 34 days till Mraz. And only 25 more days until Ani Difranco. It's gonna be awesome. The last weeks of October, going into November are going to be incredible.

I can smell the change in the weather already....

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reminiscing... [04 Oct 2003|01:23pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

I spend so much time thinking, writing, just kind of purging my thoughts. I've got entirely too many locked up inside me. I have so much to say the world, but I can't get it out in the right way. I always feel that my words, or the words that I can think of, aren't enough to really express how I feel. If that makes any sense at all. Everything in my past has led to be the person I am today. And as insanely depressing as part of it is, I don't regret it. Without it, I would not have come to the conclusions about myself that I have today. I'm probably just rambling but it's true. I look at all my journals that I have, the handwritten ones, and read some of the earlier entries. The ones where I was experiencing my own personal hell. I have grown so much - thanks to the support of friends, family, and music. Without those things constantly propping me up, I probably would never have made it through anything. I don't like sounding as if I feel sorry for myself, I don't. It's just that I am fully realizing how dysfunctional my childhood was. Parts were incredibly normal, and then others were insanely off the wall. It's just odd to realize that diference in emotions and scope. Not to say that my entire childhood was terrible, it wasn't. I had those times of being incredibly fulfilled. But on the contrary, I had times of being incredibly empty. I can't go back and change anything. And I doubt that I would if I could...I don't know. Thinking gives way to so many questions. Questions that I don't have answers to. Everything happens for a reason, I firmly believe that. Maybe they will come to light soon enough...

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one day i'll fly away... [03 Oct 2003|02:45pm]
[ mood | excited ]

So another day of being sick. I'm hoping my ear infection goes away as soon as possible so I can start working and replenishing my concert funds. I am really bummed because Damien Rice is playing in LA and I want to go! The only obstacle would be that I am sick. I've yet to see him play live. His music is incredibly beautiful and poetic, just on the album. I'm sure that it would come more alive with seeing him perform it. Alas...things have not worked out that way. Maybe another time...

I found out that Ani Difranco will be playing about five minutes from my house in the end of October, which excited me beyond belief. I haven't seen her live yet either - I think she is one of those musicians which you have to see live to fully appreciate. Her music is unbelievable, even on the albums - but to really experience it, I think its necessary to see live. I'm taking my friend Anthony for his belated birthday present. He adores her too. It should be really fun.

Only 35 days until I get to experience mraz again. It's going to be a wonderful weekend. :)

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falling... [28 Sep 2003|12:46am]
[ mood | pensive ]

I'm at a very large crossroads. Trying to figure out what to do with my life. Am I really supposed to make a decision like this at 19? Overwhelming thoughts are conquering my brain. Who I am, what I want to be, what I can afford to sacrifice. At times, I really wonder what I'm doing - is this where I should be? My heart hurts. People find it necessary to grind me into the dirt when I'm already there. Is it possible to just fly away?

I'd like to think so.

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another day.... [22 Sep 2003|11:18pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

So yeah...today was just any other day. Except I met this really beautiful English guy who came into my work. Totally floored me. He was adorable. And all I could do was giggle because I got all nervous and flustered. Oh well. Maybe he'll find that attractive and come back. Anywho, all I did today was work and had class this morning. OH film editing, how I loathe thee...Work was incredibly boring - just another Monday but I don't have to work again till Sunday so I'm kind of stoked about that. I'm thinking about taking a trip down to SD just to relax...at least for the day on Saturday...but I don't know yet. Don't really want to go by myself but don't want to go with anybody really either. We'll see...I'm actually going to spend some money on myself this weekend. Haven't done that in probably six months or something insane like that. So yay. New clothes. I'm hungry...Lately I've been feeling like me and my best friend are drifting apart. It sucks. I'm finding new people to hang out with, people I've met that are incredibly cool and just...awesome. People who I want to hang out with and who I identify with maybe more than others in my past. I don't know. Maybe a revelation will come in my dreams...I'm tired. If anybody is bored this weekend...let me know. For now, I'm going to sleep to dream about this weekend, and finally feeling somewhat relaxed....till next time....

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one of the best days ever... [21 Sep 2003|05:07pm]
[ mood | enthralled ]

Wow. So much has happened since my last post. I fell in love with the man and music known as Mraz. For those of my friends, you know who I'm talking about. And for those of you who I'm just getting to know, you know who I'm talking about as well. As least you should. Me and Linda had a lovely vacation up north. It was relaxing, hot, and superb...everything a vacation should be. Anyways, we went to the concert in Del Mar....which was a religious experience. We made tshirts for ourselves and Jason, hoping we would be able to give it to him. Knowing that Smooth Operator is one of his favorite songs, I made him a shirt that had that on it. After the first song, which was Unfold, we and the girls around us, yelled to Jason. He looked down. THis was the convo...forever etched on my mind haha.
JASON: Hey...Smooth Operator that's nice...
ME: It's for you!
JASON: For me?
ME: Yeah!
JASON: Well throw it on up here...
JASON: (showing to audience)It says Smooth Operator. Well thanks darlins...I'm gonna wear the hell out of this thing. This next song is dedicated to you two smooth operators.
And, then cut to me and Linda dying. Hahaha. Not really. But almost. It was great. And as it turns out, Jason wore the shirt at the very next concert he played at, and one recently, I believe that was the first of September. So stoked about that. That he actually liked it and wore it. It was beautiful. Anyways, I think I'm gonna send him another shirt...with something witty on it. Like Virginia Woolf is for Lovers...or something. I don't know. But it'll be hot. Haha. It's also really awesome that he does wear things fans give him and he appreciates it. You can tell just by his journal entries on his website. He calls his fans his friends, which I think is definitely an important mindset to have...but anyway...onto the other events of my life.

So...I found out, thanks to my bro Skyler, that Star 98.7 was giving away tickets for Jason Mraz at the Wiltern. I told my entire family to call to win. I didn't think I would win or anything. Then I get this call today while I was at work.
Mom: Caitlin, are you sitting down?
Me: No...why?
Mom: Okay...just don't scream or anything.
Me: Why? What's wrong? What happened?
Mom: I won tickets.
Mom: Yes!! And Caitin, don't curse.

So yeah. THis day is just frickin fabulous. It can not get any better. Well, it could. Jason could wear the Smooth Operator shirt that we made him to that concert, or the one in San Fran. That would be lovely.....more to come...

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Time to trip... [14 Jul 2003|10:15pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Yay! I'm so excited. I'm going up to my grandma's next weekend with my good friend Linda. Just to get away from all the shit thats been bugging me at work, with guys, and just all the drama thats going on. I need a break, hopefully this will suffice. I just worked today with Loren and Todd. Such great guys. I feel very lucky to be able to work with them. And Holly is trying to set me up with this guy Kevin, who sounds really great and fun, but I think he's going to be two heads taller than me. I'm 5'3'' and he's supposedly 6'0. And to a short person that seems extremely large. Oh well. We shall see...

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Running, running... [14 Jul 2003|12:09am]
[ mood | blah ]

Ok, kids. It's realization time. I absolutely have to get over this obstacle with him. I'm not a stand by girl. I won't be there waiting for him if this thing doesn't work out. I will not feel like someone is settling for me. I'm fed up with everything being so complicated and the leading on and all this craziness. Too bad things aren't so simple. Like Smokey Robinson says "A taste of honey is worse than none at all."....so true.

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war [19 Mar 2003|07:58pm]
[ mood | scared ]

Well, this is one of those moments that I just want to forget is happening. We bombed Iraq. I believe very much that Saddam is a terrible person but I cannot stand the fact that we are killing innocent people. It is not right. Things are insane. Death is everywhere. THis oculd be the end of the world. And nobody seems to realize it. It doesn't stop. Nobody wants to open their eyes and see what is happening. People are dying! And we are killing them. America can be so hypocritical. I have so much anger towards this thing. I just dont' think that anything is worth going to war. I will remember exactly where I was when I heard Bush speak. In Pantera's at Chapman. I was standing with Rebecca and Sabrina, and then I came back to my room and called my mom to tell her I loved her. And I started to cry. I have realized that things happen and you can't change them no matter how much you want to and that I really miss the people that I love that are away from me and I need all of them in my life. I am so thankful to God for such a great family and friends who are always there for me. And the life that I have lived so far. My life not be that great, but I'm living it, and I am somewhat happy. Things could be a lot worse. I am so lucky. I believe in so many things, but most of all the people that mean so much to me. I love you all so incredibly much.

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why don't i feel good enough? [12 Mar 2003|01:52pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I've been stuck in a really shitty place for about a week now. My mind, my emotions, everything is boiling up and I feel like I'm going to break. I just don't understand so many things about myself, or about other people. My heart hurts. I feel like I'm not good enough for Russell. He should have somebody that deserves him and I don't think I do. I don't know what he's feeling. I don't know what I can do to find out. It's like the people we were that night have gone somewhere, and we can never be them again. It's depressing. I just feel broken; lots of glass pieces, and like I'm crumbling. Not just cuz of Russell, but other things too. I don't know what to think. I just feel sad.

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